A few words for the person who is thought he was a sexpert …
By Brian Orme
I’m 41 years old, and I’ve been married to the same beautiful girl for almost two decades. Over the years I’ve had to work through some myths and misconceptions about sex. Many of these fallacies started early, before I was married, and they’ve taken years to straighten out. If I could send 10 sex and intimacy tips to myself before I was wedded, this is exactly what I’d say…
Dear Pre-married Self( circa 1994 ),
I know youre so pumped about getting married because you procured the girl of your dreamings and you are ready to get married and, well, Sex! However, I have some bad news. The rapture happens the day before the ceremony. Im writing this from heaven where all unmarried Christians become cherubs. Kidding!
You get married and you have sex. Its better than good. However, Im writing this because you have some preconceived notions about sexual intimacy that arehmm, how do I saytotally WRONG. And before you get married, Id like to clear them up for you, because, you know, were sidekicks. So lets get started.
10. Sexual intimacy doesnt happen like it does on Tv or in the movies .
Much of what you know about sexand how sex workscomes from ad, Tv and the movies. In other terms, sexuality looks like a spontaneous connection where animal instincts match perfectly at the same time to provide flawless love-making filled with romance, Marvin Gaye and candles that automatically appear in the windowsills. Sexual intimacy doesnt really work like that. There is rarely Marvin Gaye, and the candles might appear a couple times a year. Dont be frustrated; real sexual intimacy is much better than it is in the movies, because its not just physical but spiritual, the route God intendedalthough, I need to be honest, it is different. Also, stay away from Ryan Gosling movies. Trust me on this one.
9. A note on frequency. Brace yourself .
Right now youre supposing marriage is filled with sexuality almost every second of the working day and thousands of times a weekbecause, why wouldnt you !? You should live in this dream world for as long as you can and ride your trusty unicorn into the Skittle-stained sunset where you pet your wild Ewok and cross the Bridge to Terabithia. Stay there. As long as you can. That is all.
8. Sex is like fine wineit gets better with age .
Sexual intimacy is something you get better and better at. It takes communication, practice( I saw your eyebrow raise on that one) and day. This is the way God intended it. Right now you think your sexuality IQ is at a genius level, but you couldnt pass the Sex ACTwith what you know.( No, “were not receiving” Sex act; Im use an illustratiTo the Man Who Thought He Had a Genius Level IQ on Sexonyou really should read more .)
When you first get married, you are the equivalent of an awkward junior higher when it comes to sexuality. Be patient. Listen to your bride and learn as much( about her) as you possibly can. This will serve you( us) well.
7. Sex is not just about get, but giving .
Are you giggling? Im serious. God stimulated sex in such a way that it requires both of you to give. And its good to give. Dont be a taker all the time. Sexual intimacy is a great place to model sacrifice and service. If you get that into your head now, the get will be even better. Theres great beauty and mystery in the dedicating. Youll be seduced to think only of yourself, but intimacy is a two-way street. Remember this. Be generous.
6. Men and women dont think about sexuality the same style .
This might be the biggest lesson of all. For you, sexuality is wrapped up in the physical attraction, and its very visual and instantaneous. Howeveryou might want to sit down for this onewomen think about sexuality to its implementation of the relationship, their security, and how much they feel loved and pursued. For you, sex is like a light switching without a dimmer: youre totally ready at any moment( unless youre asleeplike dead asleep ). For her, sex is like a crockpot that takes a good part of the working day to come to a simmer. You will both be frustrated by this. Thats OK; its part of Gods wiring to bring you together on a deeper level. You have to learn to listen to each other and to think of the other more than yourself. The good news is that you dont have to have a six-pack to get things going; you just have to learn to listen and love her. Its the emotional six-pack.
5. Sex doesnt complete you .
Right now, you’reputting a ton of stock in the power, importance and value of sex. Lets be honest; you think about it constantly, and in a way youre ruled by it. You need to know sexual intimacy is fantastic and satisfying and unbelievable in so many routes, but its not meant to be an idol, and its not something you should chase after like the Holy Grail. You will need to fight this and work to keep sex in proper view: as a gift from God to be enjoyed in marriage. When you start worshiping the gift over the Creator, you know things are out of balance.
4. Sex can be fun and funny and playful .
There are many angles of sex intimacy, and some of them youre altogether unaware of right now. You think of sex in one dimensionserious pleasure. However, sexual intimacy done right is a form of vulnerability and authenticity, and when you totally love person and have nothing to hideand I entail nothingyou are free to be your truest self. That brings moments of play, fun and moments of complete hysterics. Its not all straight-laced and serious. You have this to look forward to. You’re welcome.
3. Pursuing her is like a legal sex medication for her spirit .
I hinted at this previously, but this is probably the best secret I can give you. Severely. Get a piece of paper and write this one down. Its the Mac Daddy of all sexuality tips-off, but it genuinely has nothing to do with sex. Pursue her. Attain sure she knows you want her in more ways than just the physical. Seek her mind. Pursue her heart. Pursue her dreams. Pursue her in every way possible. This sounds like insane advice, right? How in the world does this factor into sex? Well, recollect, she doesnt think about sex like you doyoure all skin and eyeballs, and shes all heart and soul. If you want to induce things work on a deep and rich level, pursue her. Also, Ill be honest, this took us many years to figure out, and we still need to work on it, but its God’s honest truth.
2. Its more mysterious than you think .
Again, right now your thoughts about sex are pretty simple. Youre stuck in the physical, but God designed sex intimacy to be style more complex than two bodies procuring their style together. That whole one-flesh thing youve read in the Biblethat stuff is real. Its hard to explain and I dont fully understand it, but something magical happens in the act of sex, something cosmic that connects you to her in such a way that soul deep. Thats why its so critical to keep sex within wedding. This is also why its so important to keep your thoughts about sex focused on her…always. Heres a tip: Protect your intellect, protect your marriage.
1. Sexuality in marriage is a form of adore .
This might voice a little crazy. Most of your thoughts about worship are confined to church and singing right now. So when I say sex is worship, “youre supposed to” think Im nuts.But soon youll get a bigger, more holistic picture of what worship really isand youll should be noted that your whole life is an act of adore. Its a fun point in our spiritual journey, trust me. Along with that is the beautiful command from Scripture to have sex with your wifeunashamed, unabashed, unadulterated and often . This act is a form of Christian worship, plain and simple, like singing an ancient hymn with your bodies. That voiced a little creepy. Lets just say its worship.
I actually hope youll take these guess to heart, because when it comes down to it, sexuality is more wonderful than you can imagine, and you have one beautiful daughter God has given you, and you really need to treat her well.
Hey, while I have your attentiona couple additional unrelated tips. Please dont get that tattoo youre thinking about. Oh, and when you insure the commercials for a present called Lost , simply ignore them. Sincerely ,
Brian from 2016
* Follow Brian on Facebook or Twitter . Read This Next : 10 Things I Wish I Knew About Sex Before I Got Married( Women’s Edition )