I had a panic attack this morning. It’s not because I had an interview or a big date. It’s because I was trying to buy the Kylie Jenner lip kit, set to go on sale at 4:30 EST.
I’m aware there are scarier things in the world. There are certainly far more serious ones that I should’ve is becoming more worried about, like whether my nail salon sterilizes its tools or whether Donald Trump will be the next president of the United States.
However, I like to take things one at a time. Today, my aim wasobtaining the new Kylie Jenner lip kit in Dead of Knight, which appears to be a matte black gloss. My biggest adversary in this endeavor? Time. Also, the occasionally shitty office WiFi.
I love black lipstick. Bitch lips are various kinds of my thing. I’m also truly curious to see how this will stack up against the black lipsticks I already own, like the MAC Lipmix in Black and Kat von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick in Witches.”What else am I supposed to expend my money on? A 401 K? Paying off my student loans? Charity? Yeah, bolt that.
The thing is, get your claws on a Kylie lip kit necessitates an emotional roller coaster. I did this once before a couple months ago, and it was the single most grueling thing I’ve done in my entire life( and I trained for the marathon 3 years ago, damn it ).
Like grief, get a Kylie lip kit meant I had to go through 12 stages. Spoiler alert: One involves ugly crying.
Stage One: Hunger.
Fact: Seek to get a Kylie lip kit automatically attains you qualified for a job as a detective. You aggressively stalk every single one of Kylie’s access points to the real world: Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram. You try to enlist your friends to help you, but they think you’re cuckoo bananas and dismiss your group chat. You consider get new friends, but a life with Kylie lip kits is a life best lived solo.
Eventually, Kylie or one of her lip-kit goons discloses a hour for a release. It’s like Christmas, your birthday and Frappuccino happy hour rolled into one.
Stage Two: Delirium.
It’s the day of the release, and you can’t stop refreshing. What if Kylie tricked us? What if it was actually in EST not PST? What if the site connection changes? You can’t be left in the dark.
You set up notification alerts for the Kylie lip kit Twitter account and pray.
Stage Three: Anger.
You haven’t slept. You haven’t eaten. Your pointer thumb is getting tired from pressing F5. ” You’re pretty sure you haven’t blinked in eight hours. How could Kylie do this to you? How could she destroy their own lives like this?
You almost deem backing down but remind yourself that lip-kit glory only comes to a choice few. You wait. You begin to wonder how many calories are in a Kylie lip kit.
Stage Four: Depression.
You’re convinced 4:30 will never come. The lip kits will never go online. You’ve failed in your mission to yourself, to Kylie and to humanity.
You’ll never know the feeling of swiping a matte black liquid lipstick on your lips. You’ll never have lips like Kylie. You might as well curl up into fetal posture and exclaim yourself to sleep now.
Stage Five: Thirst( again ).
CAN SOMEONE GET ME A BURRITO FROM CHIPOTLE, PLEASE I’M DYING.
Stage Six: Hope.
It’s so close, you can nearly savor it. You virtually have your hands on overpriced liquid lipstick greatness. It’ll soon be over. You will soon click complete my purchase and move on with your life.
Until then, maintain freshening like Ryan Gosling is standing behind you and egging on your matte lip dreams.
Stage Seven: Pain.
OMG THREE MINUTES.
The site says they’re restocking. You’re almost there.