Southern Charm Recap: Can They Get Any More White?

I have emerged from my two-day hangover solely to write the coming week recap. Guess killing brain cells is one of my hobbies now.

When we left off I wasnt sure if I was Team Kathryn or Team Whitney, and I dont think thats ever going to get resolved tbh. However, I did just notice Kathryns facial expression in the opening sequence more or less sums up her entire personality.

Thomas and JD, back at it again with the polo. Cause that aimed really well the last day. Can they get any more white?

Whitney has some fruit salad and is inducing coffee and Larissas like, If that’s cooking, I’m about to be the next winner of.

Whitney trying to explain what going steady means to Larissa is pretty hilarious tho.

Kathryn andKody? Corey? Fuck, I forgetare getting a seaweed facial or some shit, AKA Bravo is pampering them so they can talk shit in style. Nice.

Kathryn is bummed that once she has her baby she has to go home alone with her two children.

Kathryn: Im a 24 -year-old soon-to-be mother of two. If you dont think Im overwhelmed and nervous then you dont think.

Wow that was like, unnecessarily aggressive Kath.

Cooper? Cooper! Calls Thomas a 50 -year-old playboy and is like,

Cooper : Instead of letting it frustrating you I just say let it strengthen you.

Cooper is the moral compass this display needs.

Meanwhile Thomas is sipping bourbon with JD on his porch because Kathryn truly requires him.

JD: Hows the baby?
Thomas: The doctor said fine…
JD appears skeptical, because Im sure he knows better than a trained doctor.

JD : Kathryn moving up the due date seems awfully peculiarseems suspect.

JD is a regular Hardy Boy over here.

JD : I guess women dont like being asked for paternity tests.

NO FUCKING SHIT.

JD is like, and Thomas is like, Its clear hes forgotten who hes about to have a kid with because Kathryn is NOT going to be down with Thomas basically accusing her of slutting it up and then trying to trap him into fatherhood. JUST SAYING.

Its date night with Craig and Naomie. Craig choice going to L.A. over the biggest event for his company, because hes never been to L.A. before. And Craig wonders why hes not allowed to head a bourbon division. I don’t foresee this ending well AT ALL. Craig, youre a complete idiot and for once Naomie is in the right to tell you youre fucking up.

Craig: Do you see how hard Im trying to justify this?

Yeah, because you KNOW YOURE IN THE WRONG. Thats literally what justification is.

Cameran and Landon meet up for a candle-making class and I am various kinds of jealous because that low-key sounds fun. Landons explaining her travelling guide to Cam, so Im going to take a quick nap.

Cameran : I think its hard for Landon bc she was a typical Southern stereotype of the woman who got married young and was taken care of and she doesnt have that anymore.

Wait, how is this the first Im hearing of this failed first marriage? How has this NEVER come up before this season ??

Cameran : So any human prospects?
Landon: IDK not really its various kinds of sad and pathetic. Landon is like Same tho.
Cameran : Do you think the reason youre not gratifying anyone is because you want something to work out with Shep?
Landon :… Yeah

Cameran and I are both like, FINALLY!

* Cue a montage of them looking really couple-y* I’m rooting for you guys!

Landon brings up every middle schoolers dilemma which is that if she dates Shep, then shell lose him as a friend. Can we get like, a violin quartet to score some melodramatic music or something?

Craig and Shep make it to L.A. and Whitneys bachelor pad is sick. I guess “thats what” that Bravo money gets you. On an unrelated note, I have a very compelling idea for a new reality prove, if you wanna get on board Bravo, Ill get you in at the ground level.

Craig: I wouldve had FOMO if I hadnt gotten to come out heresothanks.

Whitney: Meh whatevs

Whitney: #NewCraig has taken on this persona thats like , not chill dude.

Whitney basically lets it go with the caveat that he may never fully trust Craig again. Eh, Im sure theyll be fine.

Shep: You know when youre perfectly drunk and youre really good at pool?
Is that like when Im really drunk and I guess Im really good at dancing?

[ youtube https :// www.youtube.com/ watch? v= SfE3pBXQzxc]

Classic Shmosby.

Larissa crashes the sons weekend which is not at all shivering. Larissa is, I guess, the WGG of the group.

Shep : Should I change? I dont want to look all fratty and Southern.

Well that ship sailed like, approximately 36 years ago. Whitney makes a joke about waking up in the morning covered in blood and vomiting. Was he secretly with me and my friends this weekend? Unclear. V. possible.

These two slutty-looking blondes show up and Shep is in fucking heaven. Craig low-key wants to kill himself.

Whitney: The goofy, disarming thing works in Charleston but not so much in L.A.

I’m sorry, Whitney, but who you callin goofy? You’re not exactly a chiseled Greek god over there. Whitney takes a casual shot at Craigs bourbon knowledge, or absence thereof, and now that hes get that off his chest this friendship is back on track.

The aftermath of Whitneys party seems a lot like the scene I dealt with Sunday morning. So, like, maybe they actually were there.

Whitney : The marker of a good sons weekend is a pond of puking with a partially digested meatball in the middle.

Whitney talks about how Shep didnt get any last night and Whitney said he had a meeting with Hand Solo which made me LOL.

Sheps like, and Im getting soooo mf sick of this trope. I am convinced Shep merely acts this way because y’all expect him to be a fuckboy and nobody challenges him or holds him to a higher standard. Also, there’s simply no way his dick games that good. THERE IS NO WAY.

JD is on the phone with Paula and SURPRISE, Craig basically didnt do shit for this festival yet still wants to be head of the bourbon division. The entitlement is strong with this one. Craigs phone is dead, party casualty, so JD is calling around to all Craigs friends like the angry papa he is. Did I mention this was dumb af, Craig?

Also, LMAO at how hungover they all appear. Their hangovers are giving me life.

Craig : I just feel like Im being used to do all the bitchwork and its annoying.
I lied, THIS is the whitest thing to happen on this show. Shep : People take work too seriously. What happened to just drinking brew and laughing your balls off?

Yeah Shep, I think this may be why your restaurant is struggling to pay the rent.

Thomas and Kathryn are discussing the ins and outs of labor, which I will file away for future knowledge. Thomas calls Kathryn an expert at giving birth which is like, kind of rude lol. But I guess also accurate?

Kathryns opening up to Thomas about being alone this time around, seeming up at him with big doe eyes, and Thomas is like, SHUT DOWN.

Thomas : The timing is really bad for me, could you just like , not give birth rn?

Kathryn: Thats why I like having you around, youre like a calming presence IDK why.

Kathryn, do you know what pacifying means? Im starting to think not.

Back at Whitneys, some massage therapist named Megan shows up, and Shep clearly has a boner.

Shep : So youre gonna devote us all massages now? Megan : Its like holding space to actually connect more with yourself.

Shep is blatantly sexually harassing this poor girl. JFC. This is so creepy. Tone it the fuck down.

JD& Co. is launching his bourbon line at Charleston Cup, this horse race in Charleston. Craig is nowhere find work, shockingly.

JD: Work isnt all rises and cherries. Sometimes its grime and trenches.

Im putting that on a needlepoint for my office.

Sheps not running because his grandpa died. OK thats actually like, really sad. My condolences.

We will now resume with our regularly scheduled program of shit-talking.

Craig is taking forever to get readyCraig and Chad from are both the secret Betches interns.

Craig is hungover with an upset stomach and a sinus infection, which is literally what happens to me every time I drink. AKA right now. We’ll get through this, Craig. Emergen-c and green tea all mf day.

Cams like,

Craig apparently slept in and didnt do anything to help JD set up. Which, Im not surprised by, but again, is a really bad move for when youre trying to show initiative.

Cameran : #NewCraig is starting to run its course because at this phase hes becoming #OldCraig

Dannis dropping some random whiskey fun facts and Craig is like, Fuck the bourbon division, Im not sure Craig is qualified to have any job at Gentry HQ, PERIOD. How the fuck is he going to be a lawyer if he never wants to do work? He’s gonna have a rude awakening if he ever makes it to first-year associate( I have heard ).

Craig is there for all of two minutes and is already like, fuck this Im leaving.

Oh JK Craig didnt actually leave. JD dedicates a speech and what do you wanna bet Craig is gonna get shafted in this thank-you speech?

Wait for it..

BOOM. SHAFTED. I called it.

Cameran is so into this race its scary. How much fund did she put down on that horse? Judging by her reaction to lose, Id say a lot.

Once again JD is dressed like a 1920 s fat cat. Live your truth, JD.

JDs like, and Craig is like,

JD : Do you think you should have gone out of town?
Craig : I mean Ive never had to give up a journey for a job so

Oh boy, Craig. I dread for you in the real world. I actually do.

At Kathryns, she and Thomas are feeing dinner. Kathryns going into labor tomorrow morning. I hope they dont actually movie her birth. That would be kind of fucked.

Thomas: I want to have a traditional household, hear the shnookums running around, hear the house fill with laughter.

Lol, “shnookums” only attains me think of one thing 😛 TAGEND

Thomas : I still love Kathryn, I care about her but Im afraid a day of reckoning is forthcoming.

UH OH.

Kathryn asks Thomas how he feels and he says hes apprehensive and shes like, BRUH, FEEL APPREHENSIVE ?!

Kathryn: If I say anything mean to you tomorrow merely give me a free pass.

OK thats fair, she is giving birth and all.

Kathryn gets up and eats some generic brand Lucky Charms before giving birth. I take it all back, she really is struggling with money.

OK low blow. Sorry. Kind of.

Seeing the sheer quantity of diapers in Kathryns house is enough to attain me never forget to take my birth control.

Thomas: For some reason, maybe through divine intervention “were in” brought together. Steven Spielberg I believe said, Ive made a lot of movies, but my greatest created in all was a child.

So I wonder at what point Thomas is gonna be like Who am I kidding, theyre gonna drag that out at the least over the course of another epsiode.

OK enough shit-talking from me. That newborn is cute. What did they name him ?? How they gonna leave us hanging like that?

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