Were told that sugar is the source of all evil, but devoting it up induced me grumpy, skint and antisocial
Day 1: I spiralise a courgette
I wake up alarmed and dehydrated with a deep sense of dread. This is not just a hangover I have agreed to give up sugar and keep a food diary. All I can think is: Thank God Im starting today as yesterdays would have been truly embarrassing. Crisps. KFC. Vodka.
Its not my fault. I am clearly not an adult capable of make informed choices. So I resemble most overweight and overwrought people. My fat and my sluggishness are not a mystery to me: I eat and drink too much and my January was not dry.
Sugar is the source of all evil, so much so that a sugar tax is now being mooted. But how easy is it to dedicate it up? I call a man who is going to help me, and I make a cheese omelette Im not sure what I can eat, but presume it is a low-carb diet, so this is likely to be OK.
I arrange to meet personal trainer Nyambe Ikasaya for advice. He has and Im getting technological here a lard testing machine, and Im too lardy. Also dehydrated. I explain about the vodka. He points out this is not the result of simply one nights drinking. He gives me what he calls a nutritional protocol and what I call a diet.
Things I cant have: bread, liquor, carrots genuinely? and all fruit. I dont am worried about the fruit. He asks me what I want to achieve, and I enjoy whinging on to him.
At home, I begin reading books about detoxing and giving up sugar. You know how they go: three or four days in, most people feel terrible and then suddenly brilliant. This is the detox narrative. Largely, they seem to be written by 20 – or 30 -something women who apparently believe they are what they eat and who dont seem to have to feed anyone but themselves. Perhaps my terrible position is toxic, but few of these volumes speak to me at all.
Apparently I should have cleaned out my cupboards of all the bad food and freshly stocked them. But I havent done this because: life. I buy lots of veggies and order my teenager a takeaway while I spiralise a courgette. Someone says on the news that its Blue Monday. It surely is.