It Is Way More Expensive To Be My Girlfriend Than It Is To Be Me

Just for fun, I pretended to be my girlfriend for a month. I am now broke.

My girlfriend, Jessica, is not who you’d classify as a high-maintenance person or a “pinkies-out” girl.( I entail, she’s obviously a princess and not a slob at all and I love you, girlfriend .) But she’s no cupcake.

She’s an editor at BuzzFeed who works really hard and rarely treats herself, so when my editor asked if I would like to pretend to be Jessica and buy all of the bathroom things that she buys in a month, I, in my ignorant human head, thought it would be close to my own experience, except maybe more tampons.

After all, we are now in an enlightened post-lumbersexual era. It is a hour when Old Spice has Smellcomed us to Manhood, and it’s “OK for guys to take care of themselves, ” as the public radio prove “Marketplace” puts it. With my own eye cream, face lotion and beard salve regimens, I guessed, “I probably buy the same stuff that Jess does anyway.”( We share the beard salve .)

Through this experiment, I learned something that everyone else in the world knew decades ago: Hot damn, it’s expensive to be a woman.

James Cave Jessica and James wear Jessica’s makeup.

By our unscientific experiment, it’s virtually 50 percent more expensive to be Jessica, a normal female in the United States, than it is to be James, a pretentious perma-groomed city twerp.

Still, even if you take the makeup, lotions and loofahs out of it, my girlfriend will always have to expend more on herself, just on necessities — housewarming gifts for her monthly visitor, for example — because nothing visits me every month.

Even though I’m altogether transgressed until Friday, a few positive collisions came out of this: Jessica now has a replenished medicine cabinet, and I have a grocery list of her favorite things that I can use to cheat and surprise her with pre-approved gifts that I know she’ll use.

Here’s how we stacked up 😛 TAGEND

Total Cost Of Things Girlfriend Buys: $326.68


Olay Regenerist Daily Thermal Mini Peel( $37.94, Amazon)


Even Better Eyes Dark Circle Corrector( $41, Clinique)


Even Better Clinical Dark Spot Corrector( $49.50, Clinique)


Olay Total Impact Anti-Aging Moisturizer( $21.99, Olay)


Ultra Healing Extra Dry Skin Moisturizer( $7.99, Target)

Tarte Cosmetics

Lights, Camera, Flashes Statement Mascara( $23, tarte)


Revlon PhotoReady Concealer( $8.99, Target)


Revlon Colorstay Aqua Mineral Makeup- Medium/ Deep( $12.99, Target )


Revlon Powder Blush( $8.99, Target)

Got 2B

Smooth Operator Smoothing Lustre Lotion( $6.49, Ulta)


Elnett Satin Extra Strong Hold UV Hair Spray( $14.99, Ulta)


Rosebud Perfume Co.Rosebud Salve in a Tube( $ 6, Sephora)


Olay Daily Exfoliating Body Wash( $6.49, Olay)


NIVEA In-Shower Nourishing Body Lotion for Very Dry Skin( $5.18, Amazon)


St.Ives Apricot Scrub, Blemish Control( $3.50, Amazon)


Crest 3D White Luxe Glamorous White Vibrant Mint Flavor Whitening Toothpaste( $7.06, Amazon)


Pond’s Cold Cream Cleanser( $8.38, Amazon)


Alcon Clear Care with Lens Case( $15.16, Amazon)


Tampax Pearl Tampons( $9.49, Drugstore)


Gillette Fusion ProGlide Silvertouch Razor( $9.99, Drugstore)


Loofahs( $11.99, Amazon)


Q-tips( $2.69, Amazon)


Opti-Free Puremoist Rewetting Drops( $6.88, Amazon)

And Here Is The Total Expense Of Things I Buy: $152.46

Shut On Monday

Beard Balm ($ 18.27, Closed On Monday)


AXE White Label Dry Spray Antiperspirant, Forest( $4.93, Amazon)


skyn ICELAND Icelandic Relief Eye Cream( $44, Amazon)


Crest 3D White Radiant Mint Flavor Whitening Toothpaste( $ 8, Amazon)

Baxter of California

Vitamin Cleansing Bar( $17, Baxter of California )


Garnier Fructis Style Surfer Hair Power Putty( $ 9, Amazon)


Dove Men+ Care 2 in 1 Shampoo( $3.77, Amazon)


Lab Series Max LS AS Light Moisture Lotion( $47.49, Amazon)

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