You know something is off.
Perhaps, it’s his recent mood swingings. Perhaps, you feel like he’s recede or is concealing something. Or perhaps, you can’t put your finger on exactly what it is, but your hunch is telling you something is amiss.
You’ve tried to push the thought out of your head, but the more you do, the more it seems impossible to get rid of.
Could he be cheating on you?
The following is the five-step process I take my own clients through if they find themselves asking this question.
Not merely will it smoothly get you to the truth, but it will also give him the benefit of doubt in the meantime, ensuring you nurture the relationship as you gather information.
1. Don’t panic or jump to accusations.
Before you do anything, stop.Take a few deep breaths.There may be a reasonable explanation for your man’s behavior you haven’t deemed yet.
aMen can be insecure beings. Failing, perceived sexual inadequacy and finances are all things that can cause men to withdraw from you. And they might just definitely sounds like cheating.
This is no time to jump to accusations. In the event he’s guilty, your proof is restriction. Early accusations not only give him ample chance to lie to you, but also to encompass his tracks.
But if he’s innocent, false accusations could ruin your relationship.
2. Write a list of everything you’ve noticed.
Find some alone time, take out some newspaper you can maintain private and compile a listing of things that have raised your suspicions. Write them down, in detail.
This exercise has a very specific purpose: It allows you to get your thoughts down on paper, rather than have them swimming around in your head, generating emotional turmoil.
Your list will help you consider the whole picture, entailing you can guess more rationally about the situation, including whether you may be leap to early or unjustified conclusions.
3. Become more vigilant while looking for further signs.
Once your list is written, it’s time to raise your awareness.
Be vigilant for further signs. As you do, try to be objective. Avoid talking yourself into reasons that aren’t there.
If you’re unsure, set them on your listing and review them later for clarity.
As you become more watchful, pay particular attention to his telephone. Don’t go in for it. Just become aware of it.
Does he leave the room when calling or messaging? Is it always by his side?
Sometimes, in becoming more vigilant, you’ll notice positive signs. Ensure you write these down, too.
Perhaps, you notice him leaving his phone absentmindedly around the house or leaving his social media logged in. Positive signs in your list may also add up.
4. Find time to talk.
If your mental stress hasn’t been eased by your list and increased vigilance( or, if your mistrusts have worsened ), then it’s time to sit your boyfriend down and have “the talk.”
There are three golden rules to the talk 😛 TAGEND
1. Approach this talk as you would a relationship problem talk. It’s not a cheating talk.
2. Phrase everything as you, rather than him.
3. Don’t pull out your list.
Remember, if he is cheating, it attains no difference.
But if he isn’t, your relationship can be saved. Talk to him as such.
To begin the conversation, construct yourself vulnerable. You are working under the assumption his behaviours are caused by stress, feeling inadequate or something else incorrect in his life. You go in vulnerable because you want him to feel safe opening up to you.
Here’s two examples 😛 TAGEND
There’s been some stuff lately that I can’t make sense of, and it’s frightening me. I feel rejected by you when you’re home late, and I feel like you’re not interested in inducing up the time. I know you’re probably dealing with things, but it’s only stimulating me feel left out of your life and like you don’t want me.
We used to talk about everything we had going on, but we’ve scarcely said and done at all lately. I want that to be us again. Talk to me about what’s going on.
You may need to repeat this talk to get a result. If it is something he’s sensitive about, he may not open up on the first go.
On the other hand, if he repeatedly rejects your attempts to talk, or if he becomes defensive when you try, proceed to the final step.
5. Choose the high road( depict him the list) or the low road( analyse him ).
The high road is when you take “the talk” to the next level by showing him your list.
Again, start the conversation by being vulnerable, but this time, also be firm. He’s likely to be taken aback by your list, which could result him to being defensive.
Being vulnerable means he can connect with you, giving you the innocent rationale( if there is one ), while your firmness clarifies you’re expecting one.
I want to be open with you. I’m scared about what I’ve ensure. I hope there is an innocent rationale, and I want to make this work. But, these behaviors have been deeply concerning me, and I need to know, or else I don’t think we can continue.
If the high road doesn’t run( he becomes defensive or continues to offer poor explanations ), couples counseling is your last option( if he’s willing ). Otherwise, objective the relationship. If you can’t trust him and he won’t explain himself, what do you have left?
If you absolutely cannot bear not knowing, the low road is another alternative.
As its name indicates, the low road is the morally lower ground, where if you are positive he is cheating you go in behind his back to confirm your suspicions. Be it going through his phone or email, placing recording devices or even hiring a private investigator, the low road virtually aims any chance of a caring, trusting relationship.
But, it does get you your answer.
While I dislike this course of action, some men and situations necessitate it, particularly where children or money may be involved.
Before you go down the low road, ask yourself one last question: Do you really want to bother investigating a relationship that is so suspicious it warrants deceptive action?
Your answer may see you taking the high road or leaving the relationship outright.
If the low road discloses the evidence you seek, you have your answer. If not, couples counseling may still be an option, but realize that by then, with the present levels of mistrust in the relationship, it may be too late.
Too often, distrusts of cheating lead to accusations that shake a relationship beyond recovery. Don’t jump to conclusions.
If you believe your partner could be unfaithful, reign in the advise to snoop or lash out. Instead, take a measured approach to finding out more.
While it will take some restraint on your proportion, the underlying sense of trust it assumes might turn out to be the very thing that saves your relationship.