5 Mistakes You Will Build When You Try To Eat Healthy

Since “staying alive and healthy for longer” is also the reason why we decided to invent society in the first place, you’d think we wouldn’t have all these roadblocks between us and healthy eating. If the world stimulated sense, you’d walk into the grocery store and everything would be arranged on a gradient scale from “healthy boredom” to “delicious suicide, ” and you could make an informed decision like a goddamn adult. That route, people who have a family health history with more obnoxious tumors than a room full of Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonators could say, “I’ll only hang out over here in the boring but healthy aisle, because I’d like to live to watch the release of Star Wars Episode XXIII: We Cloned Alec Guinness . “

Instead, we live in our stupid world, where trying to set nutrients in our body without also poisoning ourselves is literally a lifelong struggle that we are all but guaranteed to fail at. There are a million nefarious factors that are maintaining us from achieving nutritional nirvana, but a million is too many entries for an article. So here are five.

# 5. You Schemed too Far Ahead

I love plastic bowls of microwavable mac and cheese. They’re my favorite thing that is literally killing me. And the best part about it is that I can forget that I have it for weeks on end. Then, on some magical day when I’m either drunk or really drunk and rooting around my cabinet for snacks, I’ll find it, and it’ll feel like Christmas. Since I don’t recollect buying it, it’s exactly the same as get a present from God.

It doesn’t even matter that plastic bowl of mac and cheese savor like stale pasta suffocated in salt gunk( because they are stale pasta smothered in salt goo ). Something you receive as a gift savours better. It is untainted by the stink of effort or sacrifice. You know how when you buy five bagels and get a sixth for free, that free bagel is always the most delicious one? It’s the same basic principle.

Bagels, by the way, will also kill you .

But that’s not how healthy food works. Celery turns into flaccid, inedible mud-sticks faster than Donald Trump can turn a normal conversation into one about how racist he is. Kale transmogrifies into a brackish dessert of the damned before you can recollect why the fuck you bought kale. In a mere week, fish will grow a colony of moldy residue that they are able to either worship you as a deity or to continue efforts to usurp us as the planet’s dominant intelligence. Anyone who decides to “start eating healthy” and “cook their own meals” will, inside a week, be combating a swarm of swampy fungus goblins that explode hungrily from their fridge at 4 a.m ., screaming havoc in the voice of subduing. Yes, when you try to shift your diet in a healthy direction, you run health risks of get flayed by an army of tiny, pain-worshiping ogres. It’s pretty fucked.

But more importantly, it’s simply another goddamn thing to keep track of. Another thing is essential to plan every week. That energy has to come from somewhere. Unless, of course, you figured a route around this mistake …

# 4. You Didn’t Become An Entirely New Person

Stocking a kitchen with healthy consumables isn’t something you just do; it’s an actual skill. It’s discrepancies between learning to drive a car and learning to fix a car. Anyone can get a Prius from their garage to work and back, but a far fewer can replace the head gasket in a 1999 Integra, or even know what the shit that means. It’s an entire lifestyle change. If you eat like me, and wishes to one day feed healthy, you have to take into account that you will no longer be the person you are now. You will be a stranger in your own body. If that sounds like I’m exaggerating, merely you wait.

I don’t like any portion of cook. The planning, the construction, the standing-in-the-kitchen and idly stirring until something’s consistency changes — it’s all nasty. I’d much instead just throw a plastic bowl of instant mac and cheese in the microwave, hit the button, stare at it salivating for 90 seconds, and then shovel that heap of starch and salty goo down my gullet so fast that I can’t even tell how thoroughly I’ve scorched my innards.

Setting aside the fact that healthy food is far more expensive than unhealthy food( which normally couldn’t be put aside so easily, but I’m stupid rich ), it’s simply a matter of building. To eat the route I normally eat, I simply need to grab a slab of ham, a brick of cheese, a loaf of bread, and the fanciest fucking scotch available. To feed healthy, I have to buy quinoa, eggplant, buzzer peppers, a melange of spices, and then know exactly how to put them together into a thing that will savor good. And even then, I can still accidentally make it unhealthy by doing it wrong by, say, absentmindedly covering everything with Velveeta cheese sauce. I’m operating a gauntlet of failure, merely to find that I accidentally packed my arteries full to exploding with cheese anyway.

So to eat healthy, you have to be interested enough in food taught to make different kinds of it, rich enough to buy the good stuff, and talented enough to craft it properly. Then you have to have the presence of mind to recollect what you bought, and the free time to set it together, because another common mistake is …

# 3. You Didn’t Make A Bunch Of Free Time Appear Out Of Goddamn Nowhere

I divide everything I do in an average day into three basic categories: Work, Sleep, and Trying To Fix The Personal Relationships I’ve Ruined Because All I Do Is Work And Sleep. Eagle-eyed readers will notice that those three categories don’t leave room for preparing elaborated dinners — which, as already stated, I don’t know how to prepare anyway. That’s well-spotted, eagle-eyed readers. Enjoy a mouse carcass, on me.

Click here to receive your free mouse carcass !

It’s not only me and my trend-setting commitment to laziness. Despite the supposed rise of foodie culture, home cooking has been steadily declining for the past three decades. We’re eating home about two-thirds as much, and on top of that, we’re spending about two-thirds the time preparing food as well. That article predicts drive-thru supermarkets in our very near future, selling us precooked meals right into our vehicle window. Which is, as of right now, the most appealing part of the future I’ve been promised.

Especially since, apparently, it’s going to require a lot of window cleanser .

So in the end, we can’t cook more because we don’t know where to stimulate the time come from. Sleep less, and we’ll succumb. Work less, and we won’t be able to afford the healthy food anyway. What was that third category again? Oh shit, I forgot to pick my buddy up. He’s get out of jail today. Let’s get through these last two entries real speedy-like.

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