5 Absurd Things American Schools Do To Completely Ruin Lunch

With the exception of those of us raised by wolves, everyone’s familiar with the human rights violations known as school lunches( wolf school lunches are great ). American school cafeterias are the stuff of nightmares, with the quality of their food lying somewhere in the range of “underfunded prison been supported by McDonald’s.” But while we might think schools simply aren’t allowed to serve anything but undetermined bird nuggets and cardboard cutouts of fries, there are myriad dumb reasons these lunches blow as much as they do.


Schools Pay Companies To Suck The Nutrition Out Of Food

For over 70 years, the National School Lunch Program has given surplus agriculture to schools for their school lunches. It’s much better PR than throwing tons of fresh food into a ditch and defining it on fire. Public schools around the country can fill their larders with all the fresh fruit, veggies, and chicken they need. So why is the closest thing you find to fresh make in a school cafeteria the bubblegum in the lunch lady’s mouth? Because schools are paying food companies to take their fresh, healthy ingredients and turn them into complete shit.

Schools get about $ 1 billion in free food each year, and $445 million of it runs straight into the pockets of companies like Aramark and Sodexo, which turn that food into “food.” Fresh chicken get turned into chicken nuggets, cheese and tomatoes get was transformed into frozen pizza, potatoes become french fries, and peas somehow end up with thumbs in them. Why do schools do this? The answer, as always, is money. Schools figure that they can save by not preserving proper kitchens or kitchen staff, a clever lifehack someone should really tell eateries about.

Justin Sullivan/ Getty Images
Never mind .

But as it turns out, schools only end up expending more on fees and food processing with a view to responding. Schools expend about three times their free food’s value in turning it into sludge. A batch of fresh chicken worth $11.40 expenses $33.45 to become nuggets. $5.95 of raw potatoes costs $14.75 for the McDonald’s treatment. That cost doesn’t just come in dollars, but also in IQ phases, as some studies are linking lower tests scores to students having to eat junk that “exceed[ s] the standards for fat, saturated fat and sodium.” Ironically, our students are slowly turning into dumb donut holes because school administrators are bad at math.

Maybe the kids should be taught by the private food management companies instead, as they are making money hand over fist. They save by not having to hire skilled kitchen labor, and they also get convenient bribes from the food processing companies, which the schools don’t assure a dollar of. So the next time your child gets winded walk-to from the bus to the school’s front doorway, at least you know their inevitable heart attack paid for some CEO’s weekday yacht.

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This stock model child is smiling because this photo shoot is the first time he’s ever seen fresh fruits and vegetables in a cafeteria .


Kids Are Publicly Shamed For Not Paying Lunch Bills

A lot of children have to read The Scarlet Letter in school. It’s a gripping narrative of America’s barbaric past, when people in power used public dishonor to punish and degraded the less-fortune. The book teaches kids a valuable lesson: namely, what will happen to them if they ever run out of lunch money.

In 2016, a public school in Gardendale, Alabama stamped the words “I Need Lunch Money” on a child’s arm because of an unpaid bill — adding a smiley face, because the words alone didn’t communicate the “Fuck you” well enough. It’s only a matter of time before the school starts weighing the cost-effectiveness of inducing these children wear shirts saying “I am a poor, hate me” as a uniform.

track5/ iStock
“Actually, we don’t have the budget for shirts. Just talk to that kid who’s in detention for doing the ballpoint pen tattoos.”

Gardendale is far from the only school district to turn lunch into a Philip K. Dickian nightmare, however. Plenty of states, like Pennsylvania and Utah, will take hot food from children unable to pay and throw it in the litter. They could feed another child with it, but it was served to a commie freeloader, so that food has lost all of its capitalist nutrients. Other children get threatened with “The Sandwich, ” which sounds like a humiliating frat initiation but is in fact two pieces of cold bread with maybe something cheap in between, easily marking out these hungry unfortunates for efficient bullying. Administrators do taken to ensure that The Sandwich fulfils the minimum federal requirements — because when it is necessary to human modesty, some schools gladly settle for being D students.

The Department of Agriculture is trying to get states to cut these practices out, based on the results of America still pretending it isn’t a dystopia, but they’re ultimately leaving the burden up to the states. So far, only New Mexico has tried to ban lunch money dishonor entirely, reducing the amount of school-based dishonor statewide by a full 6 percent. For everybody else, though, we can do nothing but hope that The Sandwich doesn’t eventually devolve into The Bowl of Gruel, which students have to work off in the textile mill after class.


We Watch What Kids Eat Instead Of How Much

In the age of Cheeto supremacy, it came as no astound when the governmental forces declared it was rolling back Michelle Obama’s healthy feeing initiatives. If you’re worried that this will undo years of healthy living for our youngest and brightest, then we have some good news: They weren’t feeing healthily when the guidelines were in place either.

Under the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2012, school lunches were required to comply with a number of health guidelines, such as 100 percentage whole grains, more fruits and vegetables, and greatly reduced sodium — and kids have been throwing that gross shit right into the junk. The guidelines mandate that food remain healthy, but the food processing companies are not bothering to make their healthy food savour good at all( they’re getting paid either way ). The result is that school kids are throwing these healthy, somewhat bland lunches out and bringing their own snacks — if you can call “a bag of Doritos, a Go-Gurt, and a two-liter of Coke” as a meal. And if you do, then stop playing Overwatch for 20 minutes and go learn how to boil some pasta.

Maybe we should look at what other, slimmer countries are doing. Appear at France, which has the lowest child obesity rate in Europe. What are they feeding their children for lunch? A four-course feast fit for a king, it turns out 😛 TAGEND

1) Cucumber salad with vinaigrette

2) Salmon lasagna with spinach

3) Baguette and fondue

4) Fruit compote( or, once a week, chocolate cake)

And you better believe that food has plenty of refined grains, fat, sodium, and other life-shortening things that construct us feel some semblance of happiness when we’re eating. So again, how come French kids are thinner and healthier than what we’re rolling into classrooms? It’s because in France, they eat less food in general, like every other country that isn’t the United States. Children are taught to eat in moderation, and are given foods that keep them from snacking in between dinners. In addition, French students can get up to two hours to eat their lunches, dedicating them enough time to enjoy and digest their food while also taking several breakings to look wistfully out of a window in black and white.

Which brings us to another point …


We’re Not Giving Kids Enough Time To Eat Properly

For working people, a lunch transgres can range anywhere from a solid 30 -minute factory violate to a three-hour liquid business lunch. But when you’re a busy, highfalutin adult, there’s often only enough time to half-eat some junk while running out of the door. Sorry, did we say adult? We meant to say 10 -year-old child being rushed out of the cafeteria before they even got the chance to open their dessert cup.

A 2015 examine from the Harvard School of Public Health found that if kids have 20 minutes or fewer to eat lunch, they end up eating 13 percentage less of their entree, 12 percentage less of their veggies, and drinking 10 percent less milk. If that seems like an unreasonably short amount of day for lunch, you’ll be quite alarmed to learn that 20 minutes are speedily becoming the average. In some schools, lunch periods can be as short as 15 minutes, as lunch hours get cut in favor of more classroom time. After all, we can’t be worrying about our children’s physical health when they need to study for standardized exams in order to win a dick-measuring tournament with a dead superpower.

When schools look for ways to improve exam scores, instead of doing the smart thing and funding arts education, they end up cutting time from other places like lunch instead. This leaves children with less time to eat the food they need in order to grow properly, hitting kids from low-income households( who rely on school lunches for half their food intake) the hardest.

But it’s more than the lack of calories that will hurt students in the long run. Unsurprisingly, children not only learn math, English, and social Darwinism in school, but also their future feeing habits. Eating faster can lead to health issues like weight gain, poor nutrition, and other digestive problems like heartburn. Lunchroom rush can easily turn into a lifelong maladjustment which will follow them into college, where they will lose the battle against obesity while cramming entire bowls of Chipotle guacamole down their throats at a time.


Whether It’s Healthy Food Or Junk, Schools Don’t Have Enough Money For Either

School lunches are definitely in dire need of more charity, care, consideration, and cleaning products, but in the end, it all comes down to money. The government has never properly money the National School Lunch Program, but they’re more than happy to tack on plenty of new, more expensive regulations that schools have to follow.

In 2010, Obama proposed a $10 billion increase in funding. Congress cut that in almost half, giving children only six more pennies per meal. So at the height of the program, even well-funded cities like San Francisco only got $2.74 per student, which can’t even buy you a good meal from McDonald’s.

As a outcome, schools are feeding children the cheapest food they can find — usually chicken fingers and fries. These dinners don’t come close to meeting health guidelines. A 2009 study found that a whopping zero schools bided under national sodium requirements, for example. The end outcome is that students who feed school lunches are more likely to gain weight than their brown-bagging peers, defining themselves up for a lifetime of fast food and mobility scooters. It also doesn’t help school budgets that the government requires that students of families under a certain income be given free meals, but don’t fully refunded said meals, entailing schools have to pay for it, as always, out of the art teacher’s salary.

And in case you were still hoping the Obama-era health guidelines would save the day: Those regulations were leaving schools with even less money than before. When the rules took effect, 70 percent of schools objective up taking a “significant financial reach, ” as students simply didn’t want to pay money for food that prolonged “peoples lives” but savoured like cardboard. The year after the regulations began, Detroit’s public “schools ” lost a full million dollars in revenue. We’re basically in a no-win situation; either schools lose fund on unhealthy school lunches which construct students fat, or they lose even more fund offering healthy lunches students refuse to pay for … instead buying snacks which attain them fat. It’s almost as if the real problem isn’t with schools, but with Americans having this toxic relationship with food wherein many would rather have to be buried in a piano crate than feed the occasional zucchini.

And who knows how to solve that problem, right? We’re all moronics who have no idea what we’re doing. Perhaps it’s because we didn’t get good school lunches when we were kids …

Jim Avery was a brown-bagger growing up. These days, instead of a terrible lunch, he brings terrible sentiments to his Twitter and game reviews to GeekNifty . For more reasons public schools are depressing, check out 5 Reasons You Disliked School( That You Were Right About ) and 6 God-Awful Ways Real Schools Tried To Save Money . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Every Awesome Fictional School Would Kill You, and other videos you won’t consider on the site !

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